One True Love burrito wrapped in a hug from the Universe, coming your way
I know what it feels like to fear never ‘finding love’ and I know it sucks big time. More importantly, I also know how to cure it.
As these things so often go, it is the fear monster of not having what you want that must be exorcized to make room for the juicy prize you crave. The mission is simple: knock that fear monster unconscious and get you back in the driver’s seat heading towards kisses and cuddles.
A bit on my story. Towards the end of my Saturn Returns (the time between 28 and 32 where life gets shaken up and the foundation for the next chapters gets set) I found myself stupefied that I was single. As a romantic teenager, I had assumed I would be married with children living in a fantastic house and excelling at the career of my dreams well by the maturity of my late twenties, but when I got there, things looked quite different than I had imagined.
I didn’t have the gorgeous and doting picture of perfection husband I once envisaged. Instead, I was secretly dating a dazzling man 35 years older than me doing the best I could to balance covert romantic adventures all over the world with being a first-year associate at a major Manhattan law firm at the bottom of the corporate totem pole. Not an easy double life I promise you (but so worth it).
When that ended in my thirties, it left me confused by my choices and at a place that felt quite different than where I started out. That happens to us doesn’t it? We veer off track from where we mean to go and before we know it, we have forgotten parts of ourselves that keep us grounded in who we truly are, and what we know we want for our lives. This is where I want you to take a pause, tune into the person you are at your center, and fast track back to the true love exit.
The Truth about Dating
Here’s the secret about the person sitting across from you, taking off their mask outside on the heated porch and dampening their paper menu with freshly sanitized fingers. That person, who might be dressed funny or who uses a lot of yellow thumbs up over texts, is at that date because they want love. And not just any love. That person wants deep, passionate, true love with all their heart and wants it just as much as you do. I can say this with absolute certainty because no matter what defenses may be at play, their natural soul state is one of joy and love. Sitting there across the table from them, you represent the potential of experiencing more love.
Our shared human desire for love is something that can get eclipsed amongst the pressures of dating by lower level consciousnesses like fear of rejection and the want of control. But the story books and the fairy tales we learned as children all echoed the same truth and that is that love is really the only thing that matters. We want to be able to express it and have it reciprocated. This is something to celebrate, not to shove down.
The Truth About You
You want to experience more love too. We all do. This is what drives us in everything we do, the hunt for more and more love. This is because we come from a place of love and we are love at our essence. Our Source is love.
There are so many ways to experience love, but if you are hoping to experience more love through an intimate partnership, I encourage you to shift your thinking from “finding” love to “being” love.
“ The key to opening your heart is to start to hear the difference between your true self speaking and your ego speaking to you ”
Cycling love with another person and feeling safe to continuously deepen a bond is a matter of opening your heart to someone. It requires the release of the fear of love itself, which is a strange derivative of the fear of losing your own existence. This is a nuanced subject matter but for now let us just say that the truest love requires your ego to be under the control of your higher awareness. And your ego doesn’t like to be controlled; it makes it seem like love is scary so that you keep your distance from it. The key to opening your heart is to start to hear the difference between your true self speaking and your ego speaking to you.
How to Distinguish between Ego and Self
If you want love, then be love. Surrender a little. We keep others at a distance by judging them, labeling them as wrong in some way and seeing them as separate of ourselves. This is simply a defense against love and it can be overcome! Once it is overcome it becomes clear how safe you are and have always been to love freely without fear of rejection and loss.
If you aren’t sure whether you are being love or acting from a place of defense (ego), start to pay attention to your thoughts and ideas and ask yourself these questions:
1. Is the way you are perceiving a person making you feel more divided from them? A common example of this might be to think it is “weird that he did that”.
2. Is the thought you are experiencing loud and combative? An example of this would be “well, if he is going to be like that, I can’t be with him” and the accompanying feelings of emotional charge such as anger or even temporary empowerment.
3. Does the thought create internal conflict within you? An example of this would be one moment wanting to squash the potential by ghosting, and one moment writing a message agreeing to a date because you are feeling affectionate toward the person but also feeling anxious.
Note to reader: This is all one hundred percent okay! We are all in a battleground with lower consciousnesses like fear and anger, and it is our ego that allows them into our systems. This is the human condition, but the great news is that we are all also going through a time of great expansion and waking up. We are shifting our consciousness into new territory of awareness and with that comes healing and more juicy love.
Easy Way to Open to Love
The easiest way to feel safe to open to love and to weaken your ego defense is to start hanging out inwardly rather than outwardly.
Inevitably there is going to be an echo chamber in your world that even though it doesn’t mean to, it supports some of the ideas that your ego is using to make you feel scared of opening to love.
Examples of this might be having a parent who is pressuring you to be in a relationship and creating the idea that you have the need for it, which strips you of your sovereignty and puts you in the role of a victim. This is not helpful even though they are trying to help. Another example might be friends who are also single who are also using defenses that keep them divided from potential partners and who gain empowerment by discussing the drawbacks of their latest interest. This is also unhelpful for your cause.
“ The outside world can and must start to become less important than your inside world ”
If we are operating from a place that makes us feel separate from everyone then when we are by ourselves, we will feel empty, lonely, and scared. On the other hand, if we are willing to start hanging out inward and develop a better understanding of how we are connected to the Universe and to Source energy, we will feel safe and happy when we are by ourselves. The outside world can and must start to become less important than your inside world
Developing a continuously deepening relationship to your Source (and mine, for the record!) will open you up to love and will transcend any fears you have around it. You will realize how safe you are to go there, and you will bring that to whatever potential relationship you are looking at.
When you come to the dinner table with fearlessness around love, you disallow the person in front of you to bring their fears to you. They might try at first, but there will be nowhere for the fear frequency to go, nothing to resonate with it to keep it alive. It will die, and all that will be left are two people who are in the same boat to discover whether they get along. That is a great date!
Starter Step: How to Hang with Yourself
Here is a simple exercise to start hanging with yourself in a new way and to begin the process of killing your fear monster. It only takes one minute a day.
For one minute a day, sit with yourself and close your eyes. As you sit, just feel what it feels like in your body to be alive. Feel the fullness of the energetic activity that lies at the core of each of your body parts and each of your cells. Feel this and recognize it as your LIFE FORCE. However, you understand it to have been created, it is real and that there is beautiful, deep mystery to it. Connect to it, as your first step. As time goes on and you are ready to go a little deeper, you can start connecting to it more and more until suddenly you start to turn to it in times of stress, rather than to your defenses.
Start here and witness the changes that begin to take place little by little. This prize is well worth a minute a day.